It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
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All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
m’lady
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I can’t be the only one 😂
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
The honesty is refreshing
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.