@trevso_electric

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

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@iRowlf

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

@XplodingUnicorn

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

@jwoodham

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

@bridger_w

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

@DamienFahey

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

@RogueGod

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

@weinerdog4life

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

@iwearaonesie

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs