It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
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Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers