It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

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I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.


I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”


Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.


I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs


13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline


After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.


I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around


Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs