its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
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Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.