It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
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I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.