it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
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5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
love it when they get my name right
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Breaking news:
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.