It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
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Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
My kitchen overserved me.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Lmao 🤣
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Beware…..
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.