It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
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Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I’d hang this in my house.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
water it, i dare you
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.