It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
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happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?