It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
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Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*