It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
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Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.