“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
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My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Everyone’s family
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
smh
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.