It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
You Might Also Like
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.