it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
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Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.