Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.