It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
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Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Yes, but it was never about money
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
incredible book dedication
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.