Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

Pikachu found the lost joint

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know