It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
You Might Also Like
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Good day meowlady
* tips cat