It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
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[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.