It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
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The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.