It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
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GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
That’s classic.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?