It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
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CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Reporter: *ports again*
Wait for it
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale