It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
You Might Also Like
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Saw online –
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve