It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
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Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.