It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
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“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
me linking you to my twitter
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.