It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
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If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.