It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
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Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?