it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
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Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Watermelon Boss!
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.