It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

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if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day


The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.


7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.


I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.


Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.


ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*


Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,



Everyone born in December.


Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*


If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.