@tchrquotes

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

You Might Also Like

@bornmiserable

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

@NeinQuarterly

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

@mom_needsalife

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

@TrophyCatas

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

@sixfootcandy

Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.

@iamspacegirl

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

@sixfootcandy

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

@Kyle_Lippert

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

@inpoliteco

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.