It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
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I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 馃お馃槀
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I鈥檝e thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they鈥檙e just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
*praying for world peace*
God:
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
dude it鈥檚 called proctologist
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 馃檪
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Couldn鈥檛 find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
So hot these last few days I鈥檝e consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source