It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
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Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As the Lord intended
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Owl Sanctuary
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition