It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
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Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Investing in beetcoin
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000