It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
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[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
