It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
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the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Oh, I bet you would be
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I can also cook 😂
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food