Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

Natural selection at its finest

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

The big book of baby names but for safe words

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails