It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
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ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.