It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
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I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.