“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
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If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.