It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
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DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?