It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
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Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?