It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
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Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
🤣🤣💀
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
even bears disappoint their mothers
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over