It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
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The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
crazy
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
This pepper has seen some shit
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.