It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
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Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.