@sweetmomissa Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
@bourgeoisalien It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
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@sweetmomissa 
@akatinamarie Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
@Carbosly I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
@QwertyJones3 Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
@Conchvegas1 Google reviews are always so mixed..
@River_Niles Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
@McMcmadmac My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
@WoodyLuvsCoffee GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
@PLATINUM2000 Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
@JaymayAllDay 1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.