@bourgeoisalien

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

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@sweetmomissa

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

@akatinamarie

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

@Carbosly

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

@QwertyJones3

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

@River_Niles

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

@McMcmadmac

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

@PLATINUM2000

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

@JaymayAllDay

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.