It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

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Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup


Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.


I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.


Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.


Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??


My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!


GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.


Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.


1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.