It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
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You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Straight people are cancelled
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Meow
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.