It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

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There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”


My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.


Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.


Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.


“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York


Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.


You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.