@WilliamRodgers

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

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@Im_Tricia

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

@shadonium

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

@Aspersioncast

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

@TurnpikeTony

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

@WetzelGeek

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

@trevso_electric

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.