It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
You Might Also Like
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia