It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
You Might Also Like
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Did I do this right
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH