It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
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this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.