It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
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wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person