It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
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astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Flock of bats
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.