It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
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“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
oh no, steve’s working tonight
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Yes
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind