It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

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Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up


Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic


While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems


Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.


[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”


Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars


I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.


Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”