@osigat

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

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@Eastlows

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

@Fathom_this

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

@behindyourback

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

@STACEYNIGHTMARE

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

@david8hughes

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

@Up2Long

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

@Paxochka

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

@noog

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”