It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
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Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Not today, today.
Not today.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard