“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
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Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]