It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one