It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
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Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Who.
Did.
This?
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!